Plane etiqutte

My journey from the UK to Singapore was like being stuck in one of Dante’s circles of hell .

You know the one with the safety instructions that put the fear of God into everyone. Let’s not forget my personal favourite bit about “if it is dark you have a light and a whistle to attract attention” – cause so many people are going to be in the middle of the ocean at 3am.

Welcome aboard!!!! the clue is in their announcement you *are* going to be bored unless you have the luxury of being able to sleep, or by some miracle have a seat where your in-flight entertainment works. Just ahead of me there is a guy looking through his iPhone photos of what I guess must be his best of 2016. My personal favourite was the way he had made the “1” in his statement “happy 2017” amazing how creative you can get when you are butt naked after a bottle or two of vodka.

Then there’s getting stuck next to the toilet or someone that smells like a toilet. Stressed hostess’s parade up and down checking reclining seats and overhead lockers. The perpetual eyeroll of  your near passenger whom you have disturbed for your tenth toilet trip. It’s essential to stay hydrated they say. What they don’t say is the toilet is not your allocated seat but, it will be.


Let us discuss the in-flight meal. It smells divine but looks a little like that take out you popped in the fringe for tomorrow and then refound a week later. To be safe you order the fruit platter only to be given some browning apple and so much grape you could open a winery.

After flying on a plane for 14 hours knowing you are going to arrive at 8am you want coffee. Only this is not coffee. It’s like it’s coffees’ poor cousin who has got bitter and twisted over some past regret. I glance at the hostess she seems to understand and returns to my seat with three sugar sachets and an extra milk. This is not coffee it’s poison.

A few seats ahead I hear a woman tell the man next to her “I said we should have booked business class” the eternal regret of not really wanting to spend potentially £2000 more each  on a long haul for yes a comfy seat, yes in-flight entertainment, yes free glass of bubbly to be sat near someone who smells like they live in drain, and let’s not forget that £2000 each is basically more than your spending money for your trip.

So what’s the plan? My new solution is a motion sickness tablet and a neck pillow why? cause it cut my travel time from Singapore to Auckland from 10 hours to 2. I slapped on some “overnight” cream so my face didn’t dry up and yes everyone who was sat near me knows how many filings I have now but, guess what? I got off the plane ready for adventure!


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